Burrito that Baby!

Something I forgot to post about in the last me-centric post:  my little sister had her baby!  His name is Samuel Hennessey.  Every time I’ve told someone his name, I get “Hennessey?!  Like the…?” to which I smile and politely say no, not like the cognac.  It’s a family name on my dad’s side.  My parents made an effort to name each of us after a relative (dead or alive).  I’m named after a distant ancestor (Casey is a last name on my dad’s side).  My brother Joe’s middle name was my paternal grandmother’s maiden name.  My brother Richie is named after my paternal grandfather.  My sister Clara is named after my maternal grandmother.  And, my brother Terry (middle name also Hennessey) is named for one of my dad’s brothers and his favorite aunt – Florence Hennessey.  The way Clara tells it, they wanted to continue that tradition, and Brian (her fiance) latched onto Hennessey right away and insisted it be little Sam’s middle name.

I got to meet him this past weekend.  He’s at the lump-of-flesh stage, where all he does is eat, sleep, and fill his diaper.  I’m excited for him to get bigger and be a little more interactive.  He’s wonderful now – all sweet and soft and warm – but I can’t wait to watch him grow up and see how he interacts with the world around him.

Those of you who are looking for a picture here are going to be disappointed.  Clara and Brian made the decision to keep his web presence as low as possible.  They are not posting him on Facebook for that reason.  They want it to be his decision later on in life.  I’m willing to respect that decision, so I won’t be putting up any pictures of Sam the Baby Burrito.  (Any parents out there may get my reference, but for the non-parents – or non-child-initiated – when I call him a baby burrito, I’m talking about how he looks when he’s swaddled.  You basically wrap the kid up like a burrito.  It mimics the womb and comforts them.)

So, exciting but early days.  Clara’s exhausted because she’s trying to finish up her semester and take care of a newborn.  I know it’s stressful for her, but I think she’s always wanted a family.  This one has come a little sooner than she may have liked, but she seems to be happy about being a mother.  It’s still a little surreal for me, though.  I half expect them to be giving him back sometime soon!

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Roller Coaster Sue

Things have been really up and down lately.  It’s been exhausting!  I’m finally starting to feel better about my life.  It only took me a few weeks, lots of crying in my therapist’s office, and some honesty with people that have been having a negative impact on my mood to get here.

I was a little too casual and passive with my lawyer at first.  I met with her on March 8 (my birthday!), and she sent an e-mail to my soon-to-be-ex-husband (I’ll call him EH from here on out for brevity’s sake).  It would seem he ignored it because I got a letter from a lawyer in Pickerington asking for information from me to get the dissolution process rolling.  Confusing, to say the least, since I had actually started the process with my attorney a full month prior to receiving this letter.  I had to make clear to my attorney that this is my show, not EH’s.  I hadn’t stated this clearly to her at that point, so I understand why she seemed to be letting the other lawyer handle the paperwork.  It was difficult for me, but she was very kind and understanding, as she has been throughout this entire process.  I couldn’t ask for a better attorney to handle the paperwork for me.  She’s wonderful.  She’s not the one I started with in December, but I think I made the right choice in switching.  She puts me at ease that things are in good hands.

I had been hanging out with a guy that I met at school.  I thought I had been clear that I didn’t want any kind of serious entanglement – I only wanted to have fun since I’m still married and I’m just not ready to jump back into a relationship yet.  He’s nice, and we had some fun, but he suddenly decided he didn’t want a relationship so we couldn’t see each other anymore.  This was rather confusing because he kept accusing me of “getting too serious” and “letting my emotions come into it.”  I think he was projecting, honestly.  I tried really hard to be as light and casual when we hung out as I possibly could be.  He was acting pretty skittish, to say the least, and it hurt my feelings.  I had been trying to be cool about it, but it was hard because he did upset me and he made me a little angry with his shenanigans.  This hot-and-cold crap isn’t what I want, so I told him that he’d hurt me and made me mad.  I told him how rejected I felt, especially in light of the crushing life-change I’m going through and the fact that I’ve been saying all along I don’t want anything serious.  It felt good to get it out, no matter how difficult it was to say it.

My parents made me sit down and talk to them about why I’ve been acting so distant with them.  It was helpful to finally get out that I’ve been feeling smothered and checked on and babied.  I know it can’t be easy to have one of their kids move back home when they’ve finally gotten the house back to themselves.  But, they assured me that they love having me in the house and want me to stay as long as I need to.  They also told me that if I need any help financially, they are willing and eager to help.  I don’t want to ask them for any more than they’ve already given me at this point, but it’s good to know that if I need it, they’re willing to help out.

I’ve been a little more assertive with people lately, and it’s been good for me.  In the past, I’ve been so concerned about the feelings and expectations of everyone else that I’ve neglected the most important person in my life:  me.  My therapist and I are working on the idea that it’s okay for me to put myself first.  She also told me that I should listen to my instincts a little more closely than I have been.  I told her that I hate most people when I first meet them, but I make myself give them a second chance because it could be that I’m just cranky or being unreasonable.  There have been a few people with whom I’ve instantly connected, but they’re few and far between, so I give people the benefit of the doubt and try to put aside that first impression.  She told me that I don’t give my instincts enough credit and that I should learn to tell myself that it’s okay not to like someone.  It’s a hard thing to do, though.  I’m pretty judgmental and mean by default.

So, I’m having an “up” week so far.  My flat iron caught on fire this morning, but it was a good day other than that little snag.  School has been fun, and I’m enjoying my freedom.  I can flirt and laugh and joke and be as loud as I want. I don’t have anyone telling me that I’m an embarrassment or that I should be anything other than me.  I don’t have anyone who is disappointed in knowing the real me.  I’m cutting people out of my life that are too negative because I can’t afford to lose the tenuous hold I have on good mental health.

Blue Bird

I’ve allowed my posting to drop off again.  I had hoped that I would turn over a new leaf with the new quarter because I have a little more free time than I did last quarter.  I’ve realized, though, that the problem isn’t time.  The problem is me.  I do not have anything all that positive to report, and any of who know me to any real degree know that I prefer to be positive.  I’m not a complainer by nature.  I make every attempt to be positive and up-beat, regardless of what else is going on in my life.  Lately, that has been an extremely difficult endeavor.

For the last several weeks, I’ve been struggling with some depression.  Nothing hospital- or watch-list-worthy but it’s certainly been difficult for me to go about my normal day-to-day activities.  All I really want to do is curl up in bed and cry.  I haven’t felt this miserable since I first moved back to Lancaster, and I honestly hate it.  I hate this feeling, and I hate myself a little for feeling this way.  You, dear readers, deserve better than sad-sack Casey.  You deserve happy Casey.  Happy Casey hasn’t been making her presence known as often lately, though, and I haven’t been able to muster the emotional energy to be the version of Casey you know and love.

I will, eventually, feel better.  I will, eventually, go back to seeing life as a source of joy.  I will, eventually, pull myself together and get on with things.  Until then, I will probably not be posting much that is not, admittedly, kind of whiny.  I won’t blame you for taking a break from me.  I would!

School has been going well so far this quarter, despite my sucky emotional state.  I’ve at least got most of the assigned reading done for this week, which is something.  I would not have thought there would be so much reading in culinary school!  I’ve talked to the advisors at school, and they have confirmed that the only general ed class I really have to take is accounting.  I never took that class, and they aren’t going to let me substitute one of my other math classes for it, which is a bit of a bummer.  I’d rather not have to take ANY general ed classes, but if it’s only this one, I suppose I can suck it up and take it.

I’m still living with my parents, and it’s still difficult.  They still see me as requiring management.  I do not see things that way, which makes my current living situation stressful.  I don’t want to be required to clear with them the times/days I am out of the house and where I will be going.  That’s dumb to me, especially at 31 years old.  They couch it in a concern over whether or not to prepare an extra portion of dinner for me, but it sure feels like checking-up.  I’m having a hard time taking it.

Right now, I just feel like a child, and I don’t see an end in sight.  Much of my crisis over school right now (whether or not I’ll actually finish, that is) comes from a desire to be independent and self-sufficient again.  I have no control over my life or its course, it seems.  For a Type-A control-freak like me, that’s probably the worst feeling in the world.  So, in a couple of weeks, don’t be surprised if I announce that I’m going to quit school and will now be pursuing a career as a flight attendant!