Blue Bird

I’ve allowed my posting to drop off again.  I had hoped that I would turn over a new leaf with the new quarter because I have a little more free time than I did last quarter.  I’ve realized, though, that the problem isn’t time.  The problem is me.  I do not have anything all that positive to report, and any of who know me to any real degree know that I prefer to be positive.  I’m not a complainer by nature.  I make every attempt to be positive and up-beat, regardless of what else is going on in my life.  Lately, that has been an extremely difficult endeavor.

For the last several weeks, I’ve been struggling with some depression.  Nothing hospital- or watch-list-worthy but it’s certainly been difficult for me to go about my normal day-to-day activities.  All I really want to do is curl up in bed and cry.  I haven’t felt this miserable since I first moved back to Lancaster, and I honestly hate it.  I hate this feeling, and I hate myself a little for feeling this way.  You, dear readers, deserve better than sad-sack Casey.  You deserve happy Casey.  Happy Casey hasn’t been making her presence known as often lately, though, and I haven’t been able to muster the emotional energy to be the version of Casey you know and love.

I will, eventually, feel better.  I will, eventually, go back to seeing life as a source of joy.  I will, eventually, pull myself together and get on with things.  Until then, I will probably not be posting much that is not, admittedly, kind of whiny.  I won’t blame you for taking a break from me.  I would!

School has been going well so far this quarter, despite my sucky emotional state.  I’ve at least got most of the assigned reading done for this week, which is something.  I would not have thought there would be so much reading in culinary school!  I’ve talked to the advisors at school, and they have confirmed that the only general ed class I really have to take is accounting.  I never took that class, and they aren’t going to let me substitute one of my other math classes for it, which is a bit of a bummer.  I’d rather not have to take ANY general ed classes, but if it’s only this one, I suppose I can suck it up and take it.

I’m still living with my parents, and it’s still difficult.  They still see me as requiring management.  I do not see things that way, which makes my current living situation stressful.  I don’t want to be required to clear with them the times/days I am out of the house and where I will be going.  That’s dumb to me, especially at 31 years old.  They couch it in a concern over whether or not to prepare an extra portion of dinner for me, but it sure feels like checking-up.  I’m having a hard time taking it.

Right now, I just feel like a child, and I don’t see an end in sight.  Much of my crisis over school right now (whether or not I’ll actually finish, that is) comes from a desire to be independent and self-sufficient again.  I have no control over my life or its course, it seems.  For a Type-A control-freak like me, that’s probably the worst feeling in the world.  So, in a couple of weeks, don’t be surprised if I announce that I’m going to quit school and will now be pursuing a career as a flight attendant!

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