Roller Coaster Sue

Things have been really up and down lately.  It’s been exhausting!  I’m finally starting to feel better about my life.  It only took me a few weeks, lots of crying in my therapist’s office, and some honesty with people that have been having a negative impact on my mood to get here.

I was a little too casual and passive with my lawyer at first.  I met with her on March 8 (my birthday!), and she sent an e-mail to my soon-to-be-ex-husband (I’ll call him EH from here on out for brevity’s sake).  It would seem he ignored it because I got a letter from a lawyer in Pickerington asking for information from me to get the dissolution process rolling.  Confusing, to say the least, since I had actually started the process with my attorney a full month prior to receiving this letter.  I had to make clear to my attorney that this is my show, not EH’s.  I hadn’t stated this clearly to her at that point, so I understand why she seemed to be letting the other lawyer handle the paperwork.  It was difficult for me, but she was very kind and understanding, as she has been throughout this entire process.  I couldn’t ask for a better attorney to handle the paperwork for me.  She’s wonderful.  She’s not the one I started with in December, but I think I made the right choice in switching.  She puts me at ease that things are in good hands.

I had been hanging out with a guy that I met at school.  I thought I had been clear that I didn’t want any kind of serious entanglement – I only wanted to have fun since I’m still married and I’m just not ready to jump back into a relationship yet.  He’s nice, and we had some fun, but he suddenly decided he didn’t want a relationship so we couldn’t see each other anymore.  This was rather confusing because he kept accusing me of “getting too serious” and “letting my emotions come into it.”  I think he was projecting, honestly.  I tried really hard to be as light and casual when we hung out as I possibly could be.  He was acting pretty skittish, to say the least, and it hurt my feelings.  I had been trying to be cool about it, but it was hard because he did upset me and he made me a little angry with his shenanigans.  This hot-and-cold crap isn’t what I want, so I told him that he’d hurt me and made me mad.  I told him how rejected I felt, especially in light of the crushing life-change I’m going through and the fact that I’ve been saying all along I don’t want anything serious.  It felt good to get it out, no matter how difficult it was to say it.

My parents made me sit down and talk to them about why I’ve been acting so distant with them.  It was helpful to finally get out that I’ve been feeling smothered and checked on and babied.  I know it can’t be easy to have one of their kids move back home when they’ve finally gotten the house back to themselves.  But, they assured me that they love having me in the house and want me to stay as long as I need to.  They also told me that if I need any help financially, they are willing and eager to help.  I don’t want to ask them for any more than they’ve already given me at this point, but it’s good to know that if I need it, they’re willing to help out.

I’ve been a little more assertive with people lately, and it’s been good for me.  In the past, I’ve been so concerned about the feelings and expectations of everyone else that I’ve neglected the most important person in my life:  me.  My therapist and I are working on the idea that it’s okay for me to put myself first.  She also told me that I should listen to my instincts a little more closely than I have been.  I told her that I hate most people when I first meet them, but I make myself give them a second chance because it could be that I’m just cranky or being unreasonable.  There have been a few people with whom I’ve instantly connected, but they’re few and far between, so I give people the benefit of the doubt and try to put aside that first impression.  She told me that I don’t give my instincts enough credit and that I should learn to tell myself that it’s okay not to like someone.  It’s a hard thing to do, though.  I’m pretty judgmental and mean by default.

So, I’m having an “up” week so far.  My flat iron caught on fire this morning, but it was a good day other than that little snag.  School has been fun, and I’m enjoying my freedom.  I can flirt and laugh and joke and be as loud as I want. I don’t have anyone telling me that I’m an embarrassment or that I should be anything other than me.  I don’t have anyone who is disappointed in knowing the real me.  I’m cutting people out of my life that are too negative because I can’t afford to lose the tenuous hold I have on good mental health.

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