Ch-ch-ch-changes

It’s been over a year since I’ve posted anything.  I don’t have an excuse per se, and I won’t offer any apology.  Though I know someone out there reads my simple words, this blog has always been more for me as a catharsis than it ever was for anyone outside myself.  It’s been a way to collect and catalogue my thoughts, even if it’s been semi-public.  Readers, you do, of course have my undying affection and gratitude, but I write for my own mental health more than for any other purpose.

The last year and change has been a jumble of highs and lows, fits of joy and fits of melancholy, good things and bad things and days when I didn’t think my life could ever get any worse.  My confidence and my self-image and my pride were shaken more times than I imagined possible by something other than the heart-breaking, soul-crushing terror of the man I loved telling me he no longer loved me and hadn’t for a long time.  My divorce was finalized.  I graduated culinary school with honors.  I started seeing someone who cheated on me and then blamed me for it when he wouldn’t act like a man and just be honest with me.  My ex-husband’s new wife sent me something in the mail. My grandmother died.  I got a new job and moved out of my parents’ house.

I’ve been kicked and beaten and bullied by life.  I learned just how brutal life can be and just how depressed a person could be without actually resorting to self-harm.  I’ve questioned my very existence and my worthiness to continue this life.  I’ve questioned my personality.  I’ve become fairly certain that I am going to be and deserve to be alone for the rest of my life.  Women like me–smart, funny, pretty women–don’t end up with a forever partner like everyone else.  We’re different, so we end up alone.  Silos of difference, longing for affection and understanding, having to settle for mere physical contact from a random few who mistake us.

All of my soul-searching and loss led me to the conclusion that I am not cut out for work in the culinary industry.  My catering job ended in disaster.  My boss told me I was a bitch and demoted me, which I took as a signal that my job was in danger.  I left because I was sure the next step was getting fired.  People in the culinary field are either brutal and mean or overly sensitive.  It all stems from an overall lack of maturity among most kitchen workers.  (I say most because I met some incredibly intelligent, talented people in culinary school, but they were very much the exception.)  I still dream of opening a little bakery of my own one day, but that dream is a long way off, still.  I absolutely believe it will happen, but now is not the right time for it.

Now for the big exciting job opportunity I found for myself a couple months ago.  Shortly after I left the catering company, my uncle told me he no longer needed me to come into the office because I’d basically completed all of the projects that they had for the foreseeable future.  This prompted a country-wide job search.  I found a job in Philadelphia for a traveling trainer for a company called Reynolds and Reynolds.  I applied and pretty quickly got a response asking me to take an assessment test.  The next week, I had a Skype interview with their recruiting office.  About a week after that, I had a face-to-face interview set up at the company headquarters in Dayton.  It was for a different position, but it felt very promising.  I spent over 3 hours there, including a rather lengthy interview with the managers with whom I’d be working.  I was interviewing for the Pittsburgh territory, but after reading over my resume, they mentioned that they had an opening in the Fredericksburg, VA area.  I’d been wanting to get back to the DC metro area for some time, so I jumped at the opportunity to have a job that would put me in that area of the country again.  The job requires 5 months of training in Houston, TX before I’m sent to my territory.  So, that’s where I am right now.  I’m in Houston, TX in an apartment that my company rented for the trainees they have.  It’s new and exciting and intimidating and a little scary.  I don’t know anyone here yet, beyond my fellow trainees and an uncle down in Galveston.

My goal for the next couple of months is to post more regularly.  I always feel very good after writing, and I know it will make the few of you who read this happy to hear I’m still alive.  😉

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